What is sex to you? No matter the answer, sex plays a key role in helping us figure out our own sense of self, who we are, and how we connect with the people and world around us. And as Kurush, a mid-twentysomething from Queens, reveals through his own experience, sex can be whatever you make it–even a form of play.

When I was younger, I was a trippy ass kid. I felt like I had to stay pure. I thought, “What if an alien civilization came down and collected specimens of earth?” (laughs). Then I got horny and there was this girl that really liked me. Soon, I had this period in my life where I wanted to conquer my women because I was always too shy to follow the urges fully.

Eventually, I lost my virginity to my first longterm relationship. We were together for a year, and by the end, I knew what I did and didn’t like. I also knew I wasn’t that into her sexually, so it took me dating a few other girls to find out what made me feel sexy and what turned me on. Honestly, I feel like I’m still learning that. But after losing my virginity, I became more insecure about how I prepared for sex altogether. After that first relationship, I was single for two years and I’d had sex with a couple different girls. It was fun and I learned little by little how to open myself back up and rid myself of any insecurities.

At the end of the day, [sex is] really about healing and dancing with the other person versus trying to create the dance—following and co-creating the dance instead of only leading.

I love sex. I think sex is just play at the end of the day, but what makes it hard is that because of the way society has evolved, there’s a lot of fear and shame that’s been involved. In my life, there have been moments where I was trying to create a specific sexual environment that wasn’t necessary for the fun of sex.

Those were moments where I tried to make it more specific, like lasting longer or having my women orgasm and reach this perfect climax. And even then, I wanted them to climax in a very specific way—at the moment that I wanted.

But I realized it shouldn’t be like that; sex should be pleasurable and fun-filled for both parties.  It should be playful because there is a lot of understanding of your own body and self control involved. At the end of the day, it’s really about healing and dancing with the other person versus trying to create the dance—following and co-creating the dance instead of only leading.