Define intimacy. What does it mean to be intimate at all? Regardless of your answer, most of us can agree that–in whatever form it takes–intimacy requires vulnerability.
That means in order to really “go there,” it requires you to lower your own walls and risk disappointment. But even if we know the power of intimacy, how can we bring ourselves to take the plunge if all we know is disappointment after painful disappointment?
The truth: there’s no easy answer or shortcut. We simply must do it scared, not knowing how things will turn out. And what Moe shows us is that it’s okay to be afraid. Fear doesn’t mean we have to stop hoping or searching, only that we might be closer than we think.
Intimacy is being able to connect with a person beyond the physical and into the mental. It’s when you can share a person’s happiness and pain. Even though I’ve been in relationships and have loved, I’ve never felt like I’ve ever had anyone who understood me, or even took the time. So, I’ve built up walls over the years because of failed relationships where I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to trust, only to be used up and hurt. Now, I can’t be vulnerable.
It’s not that I don’t want to be, it’s just that I created a block to protect myself from being hurt and disappointed, again. I do want to trust again. I want to be able to tell someone, ‘I love you,’ and feel it. And I want them to say it back and know that they mean it as well. Ultimately, I want to co-exist with someone who is willing to make it work. Or at least put in the effort. Like everyone else, I want to feel needed. I want to share that powerful, intimate connection with someone.
One of the ways that happens for me is through pillow talk. It might seem boring to some people, but it really means a lot to me to be able to sit in the bed with someone I care about and talk about my day and hear theirs. To share with each other what we care the most about, no matter what it is.
Even though I’ve been in relationships and have loved, I’ve never felt like I’ve ever had anyone who understood me, or even took the time.
The bed is a safe haven, it’s the only place that I feel comfort. And to share that with somebody, takes a lot. That’s why I don’t believe in everybody being allowed to come into my bed. Pillow talk is like therapy. It is a way to get everything out–good, bad, hurtful, sad, depressing, whatever it is. That’s an avenue to take to get it all off of your chest. It releases everything that is weighing you down and you feel light.
What I saw growing up I know wasn’t love. But in seeing all of the errors made and the mistakes that happened, I’ve learned what to do and what not to do even by making the mistake of repeating those behaviors. I’ve learned a lot about what I want and how I can love someone to the best of my ability. But I’m still working on being vulnerable.
My mom and I are alike in that we love extremely hard. So, I could really sympathize with her growing up. I know that she loved me and never wanted any harm to come to me. So, on those days where I felt powerless or wanted to give up, I remembered that I couldn’t leave her behind. She’s always been my rock. I know that she never wanted to be alone, and it’s a feeling I know very well. To want to have a companion, to have someone to build memories with.
And when I really think about it, my biggest fear when it comes to love is being at the point where I am now: feeling almost numb to love. That’s scary to me. I want to say that my biggest fear was to love and not be loved back, but I think it has more to do with being taken advantage of or being made a fool of, over and over.
Related to that is a big fear of mine when it comes to intimacy: taking the risk of trusting someone and being transparent, only to be let down again. I’m afraid of opening up and sharing my innermost feelings, only for the person to run off with my most intimate moments. I can lay here and pillow talk you to death, telling you everything that’s near and dear to me. But then a person could up and decide one day that they just don’t want to do it anymore. And when they leave, my secrets are still with them. When something like that happens, it makes it that much harder to be open and trust the next person.
Take care of your heart and know there’s a greater lesson in the mistakes that we make. You are greater than the people that have mistreated or wronged you. You are greater than the mistakes you have made–and because you have made them.
Despite my fear, I still believe in and want to experience love and intimacy with someone that is brave enough to get to know the real me. Nowadays, it’s so frustrating because the people I encounter don’t seem to want anything than a screw. And I try to laugh off the sexual innuendos and comments, but then it just gets to a point where I have to draw the line.
You can’t possibly want anything more or want to build something that is going to last forever with me, if you’re just concentrating on what I can give you in bed. I’m past the hormone stage where they are raging and I’ve outgrown the meaningless sex. I’m at a point where I need and want stability. And I’m really not the type to go searching. But that doesn’t mean my eyes are not open because I’m definitely looking.
So, as I remain open to what life has in store for me, I’m hoping people remember one thing: Take care of your heart and know there’s a greater lesson in the mistakes that we make. You are greater than the people that have mistreated or wronged you. You are greater than the mistakes you have made–and because you have made them. You are greater now than when you hurt people when you were hurt along the way.