How would you define intimacy? Pillow talk? How do you show them in the context of a relationship? There’s no one answer to any of these questions, which proves another important point: there are a number of ways in which we learn to show our love to others. For Gerald, intimacy and pillow talk are a powerful combination that actually helped him discover who he was and how he loved. Perhaps after reading his story, you’ll either learn a thing or two or discover your own thoughts on intimacy and pillow talk, too.

I define intimacy as being comfortable with someone. It’s being so close to someone that you feel like you’re at home. In that moment, you are both focused on each other, vulnerable. If I had to describe it as a feeling, it’s the kind of warmth that causes you to relax. And intimacy is very important because I feel that’s how you really get to know a person, building a deeper and stronger connection you wouldn’t have otherwise.

One example of intimacy is pillow talk. That’s when I’m lying down and the other person is lying with me. Someone’s arm or hand is on the other person, and usually one of us is caressing the other, building on the physical intimacy.  Our heads are close together, but we’re not necessarily making eye contact  because the intimacy that led up to that moment (and probably involved sex) had more of that.

During pillow talk, you feel free to discuss whatever you want, but mainly random subjects that don’t have a logical flow. You comment on the random thoughts that pass through your mind, filling the silence and the little space between you. You ask questions like “What are you thinking about?” which lead to more answers and questions.

I define intimacy as being comfortable with someone. It’s being so close to someone that you feel like you’re at home. In that moment, you are both focused on each other, vulnerable.

Those conversations mean a lot in the long run because they reveal your perspectives on the world around you; they open up your understanding of one another, how you both see the world, and your collective and individual thought process.

In those moments, where you’re talking about things that may or may not matter, you are laying the building blocks to a more meaningful and deeper connection, organically. And in a space that is free of judgement and rich with understanding, you bond and grow closer.

Those intimate moments leave an impression on you. And when they lead to romantic relationships, they teach you so much about yourself and others. For example, I learned that when I  get close to someone, I develop high  expectations and am filled with all kinds of strong emotions I don’t know how to handle, such as anger, sadness, and jealousy. It took me a while to realize  I was reacting in a negative way that was more hurtful than helpful.

For example, whenever we would get angry or there would be tension, instead of sorting things out and diffusing it with my partner, I would shut myself off completely.  So it wasn’t until I was in a relationship that I had to figure out how to best communicate, and in a way the other person could absorb and understand.  It really taught me about communication and the importance of  expressing  how you feel, but in a way that the other person can absorb and understand.

In those moments, where you’re talking about things that may or may not matter, you are laying the building blocks to a more meaningful and deeper connection, organically. And in a space that is free of judgement and rich with understanding…

Another big lesson I learned is that I can express my love for someone, physically. In my last relationship, I really struggled with that.  At first, it was a big problem because my partner was definitely affectionate and physical, so it was expected that I would show my love in the same way, which wasn’t natural for me.

But as my love for my partner grew, I started doing more of that myself–the casual touches and things like that. And before I knew it, I was just as affectionate as my partner. Now, I’m a lot more comfortable showing my love physically and more freely.