It’s all a journey. The path to happiness, from sadness, through anger–and back again. It’s unpredictable with twists, turns, and stops. Yet it’s something we all have to go through to discover who we are, what we’re capable of, and why we’re even here.
But it’s that moment before we even dare to know the answers to those questions that we can manage to discover our happiness. Even if we don’t know where the path will lead, how we’ll get there, or what it may cost us.
And as Saint explains, that’s just fine.
If we were watching a movie inspired by my life story, it would start with a boy sitting in his bed, writing. He’s writing his thoughts down, thinking about what he wants to accomplish in life. He’s trying to figure out his dreams. You would see he’s still learning, trying out new things and hoping to figure out who he is. He’s wondering, “What kind of person am I? How can I change the world–make it better–so other people don’t have to go through what I did?”
The room he’s in is dark and mysterious, but you can almost see the sun is shining. You’d want to know what else is in his room, but you wouldn’t be able to see. All you can see is him. And the longer you look at him, the more you hear the quiet. Eventually, you hear birds, and see the sunny day and feel a breeze creeping in through the window.
That boy is me, which you probably figured out already. Right now, I’m the one trying to pursue a dream that seems really dim, but I still have hope for it. I’m trying to go out on a leap of faith, and see what opportunities life has for me. I just want to do things that others can’t do, and show them that they can.
But sometimes I don’t know where to start and I feel helpless. Like the time I was sitting in my friends car waiting all day for him to get out of work–since he’d started his shift at 7AM–because I’d decided to leave my house because I didn’t feel appreciate, loved, or cared for.
As I grew up, I was the one who was always put to the side and was always last….It felt like I had to compete for the right to be her son, in a way.
I didn’t have anywhere to go. And I felt like I was a burden to even him. I had no money, no job, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not even a place to sleep. Luckily, I wasn’t too helpless because through all of that I had my girlfriend who was there in the background.
Between me leaving my home and staying a few days with my friend, I met one of her really good friends and I went to his graduation. He and I really connected and got along very well. I also got to meet the rest of his family at his graduation party after the ceremony. Once his mom heard about what was going on with me, she said I could stay with them.
Months later, he was doing a program at school and he somehow managed to get me into the program, which helped me get a job and step back into the world. I was able to get back on my feet. I somehow ended up talking to my mother, who felt sad and depressed because I’d left, but she said she wasn’t sure why. So, I told her how I felt. She was confused. She didn’t understand how I could feel that way when she’d done everything she could to make my life better.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and there are still things I don’t know. But I’m happy with life for the first time with where I’m at, with the people that I have, and with how things are going.
She didn’t see that while I was home, I was the empty space that always seemed to be forgotten. She used to work a lot, so she would always have me taken care of by others. She assumed that because she was at work that they were taking good care of me. But she didn’t realize that her parents and family were really harsh on me.
As I grew up, I was the one who was always put to the side and was always last. Even her girlfriend and her girlfriend’s family came first. It felt like I had to compete for the right to be her son, in a way. I felt neglected and I didn’t like it. And I was tired of feeling that way.
When I told her even more about how I felt, I realized that she was and is still confused. She didn’t understand how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if she ever will. But she promised me that things would change–that they would get better. So, I moved back home. But things didn’t change.
The only thing that changed is that I have a job and I’ve realized that her girlfriend loves me to death and really tries to understand me. Even though sometimes it feels like other people love me more than my own mother, it’s okay. I know that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay. Because everything leads back to my girlfriend.
Sometimes you’ll still see me, sitting in my room, writing down my thoughts, thinking. Thinking about how I’m going to figure all of this out. I still wonder, “How can I change the world–make it better–so other people don’t have to go through what I did?”
Seeing how my girlfriend’s family treated her and how she was and has been judged by others, but still doesn’t care, has helped me to realize that, if I can’t be or do anything else, I can still be strong enough to be myself. And the fact that I’ve had to go through all of these curves just to learn something so simple blows my mind. I’m thankful.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and there are still things I don’t know. But I’m happy with life for the first time with where I’m at, with the people that I have, and with how things are going. I’m happy with what lies ahead of me, even though I don’t know what it is because I’m learning to be free and see where life takes me.
I still wonder how I’m going to be able to move out on my own, start my life, and make my dream a reality. Sometimes you’ll still see me, sitting in my room, writing down my thoughts, thinking. Thinking about how I’m going to figure all of this out. Sometimes I still wonder, “What kind of a person am I? How can I change the world–make it better–so other people don’t have to go through what I did?”
I still don’t have the answers. But that’s why I’m still pursuing my dream of being a model. And I won’t stop until I do.