What does it mean to be masculine? A hotly debated question for so many reasons, it’s usually enough to get just about anyone in a frenzy.

But what if we’re looking at masculinity completely wrong to begin with? After all, who says that masculinity has to be exclusively one set of things?

Marrion challenges us to take our blindfolds off and take a closer look, getting to the heart of this thing we call masculinity.

I don’t know what masculinity is anymore. I think that I had a very arbitrary idea of what it meant: strong, ferocious, not feminine, not sensitive, not emotional, aggressive, athletic, and charming. I’m not saying masculinity is void of those things, but I don’t know if I can say it is exclusively those things either. I believe masculinity shape shifts and looks differently in every person.

For some, being masculine is just not being feminine, and I don’t agree with that. I think that whole perspective is toxic and damaging because it’s tied to manhood, which is tied to patriarchy, which is simply another method of controlling others.

It controls men and makes us think that we have to fit in a box to perform, be accepted, thrive, and it controls women, making them believe they have to do certain things as well. It controls those of us who may not be hetero—queer, trans, or in any way different—in an oppressive way.

At the end of the day, a person’s  ability to naturally fit society’s definition of masculinity is simply a desirable trait that society appreciates–nothing more, nothing less. I’m trying to break free of what masculinity is tied to, which is oppression.

Being queer actually makes it easier for me to not worry about masculinity. Not that being queer is easy—it isn’t—but because I know I’m never going to fit into that box, it helps me stop trying and focus more on being me.

When I was younger, I tried the girlfriends, walking this way versus that, being the athlete, etc. But it took me a long time to realize I just wasn’t those things. What I didn’t know back then, but I know now, is that part of me is great because I couldn’t do those things. Even though I couldn’t fit within society’s box of masculinity growing up, I’ve learned to accept and embrace that part of myself, while not resenting men who do fit that category.

At the end of the day, a person’s  ability to naturally fit society’s definition of masculinity is simply a desirable trait that society appreciates–nothing more, nothing less. I’m trying to break free of what masculinity is tied to, which is oppression.

There is nothing wrong with the traditional idea of masculinity. The problem is that we blindly let it take us to that hateful place. As bell hooks said in a recent talk, “masculinity isn’t the problem. People are going to be masculine and feminine.

The problem is patriarchy, the dominant behavior focused on controlling and oppressing others.” I’ve learned that the beauty of being an outlier is being able to see what’s going on in the world, differently. And hopefully, playing a role in changing it.

Being queer actually makes it easier for me to not worry about masculinity. Not that being queer is easy—it isn’t—but because I know I’m never going to fit into that box, it helps me stop trying and focus more on being me.