If the first thing men were taught was how to empathize and connect with others, how would the world be different? Could the standard of masculinity then be redefined, transformed?  Expected to help. To listen. To support. To nurture. To heal. How could we be different , if we taught our young men at an early age how to love?

I’ve waxed poetically about how men and women are conditioned to appear vs be strong, and the life-changing difference ascribed between the sexes, gender embodiments, and sexual orientations. But perhaps one of the biggest differences is how we’re taught to love.

To illustrate this, I’ve decided to pull out a poem I wrote back in college about this very topic, entitled, “Never Taught to Love You.”

My father never taught me to love you,
I was never told to hold you,
My arms were never instructed to know you,
So, I’ll shake your hand.

If l ask you a question, will you understand?
And can you do it, without touching my hand?

If boys never cry, why do my lips tremble?
If boys never cry, why do I feel pain?
If boys never cry, why am I here to begin with?
If boys never cry, will you cry for both of us?

If l ask you a question, will you understand?
And can you do it, without touching my hand?

If boys never cry, am I still a man?
If boys never cry, why do I feel pain?
If boys never cry, why am I here to begin with?
If boys never cry, will you cry for both of us?

If l ask you a question, will you understand?
And can you do it, without touching my hand?

My father never taught me to love you,
I was never told to hold you,
My arms were never instructed to know you,
So, I’ll shake your hand.
Do you understand?

Although much has changed in my own life, and my awareness and experiences about love, I have to admit that I don’t think I’m that much closer to having any of this figured out. And that’s okay.

But what I think is important for all of us to understand is that, although the definitions of love may vary, I don’t think men actually have to be taught how to do it. Why? Because women don’t either. And although literature exists that says men and women speak completely different languages, I’d have to strongly disagree.

If we’re serious about changing the world we live in, and making it safer for men–and those who love them–part of the solution is shifting our own thinking about what we feel men–and ourselves–are capable of…

It’s not that we speak different languages, it’s that we’ve been conditioned differently at a very early age to consider one sex/gender better at it than the other. But I believe there’s evidence to the contrary. And even though we might have succumbed to the belief later in life that women are better at commitment, relations, nurturing, and love, I’ve been privileged to see this differently through many interviews, and often with it being hidden in plain sight.

In the eyes of a father as he sees his newborn child for the first time. In the increased heartbeat of a school boy who witnesses his first crush. In the blood, sweat, and tears of the eldest son of a family, working three jobs to help his family eat. In the calloused hands of a son working along his father, mother, and siblings on a farm. In the fingers pressing the bridge of a man’s nose, as he works more than 60 hours a week at his desk job.

In the unexpected hand-holding during a midnight drive. In the hustle of a door-to-door salesmen to provide. In the brush strokes, pen strokes, high and low notes, etc. of artists creating greatness around the clock. In the craft-making and skills-building of stay-at-home-dads. In the late bedtime stories no matter how tired a father, son, brother, guardian, lover may be.

And the list goes on and on and on.

If we’re serious about changing the world we live in, and making it safer for men–and those who love them–part of the solution is shifting our own thinking about what we feel men–and ourselves–are capable of doing. After all, if we believe deep down within our hearts that a person has the ability to do something, then with it will come patience, a gentle nudging that reminds us and them of the limitless possibilities, and ideas of how we can continue to reinforce and build on what we know to be true.

If the first thing men were taught was how to empathize and connect with others, how would the world be different? Could the standard of masculinity then be redefined, transformed?

Now, does that mean it will be easy? Hell naw. But I don’t think it will ever be. And that’s okay, too. All the more reason for us to treasure the many lessons we learn from trying, trying, and trying again. Even when we succeed. But especially when we fail. Are disappointed. Are burned and heartbroken. Are depressed and feeling our lowest.

Us realizing that loving and being loved is the purpose and foundation for all of us to thrive is perhaps the real game-changer–something that will not only change the lives of men but the world twice over as we all better understand what we’re capable of from birth, and what we should spend the rest of our lives protecting in ourselves and each other.